Why You Can't Just "Love Yourself" — And What to Do Instead

You can't love what your nervous system experiences as a threat. The work that comes before self-love is the work of making the self safe to inhabit — when that safety is in place, warmth toward yourself arises without being forced. You have been told, by approximately every wellness account on the internet, that you need to love yourself first. That self-love is the prerequisite for everything — healthy relationships, success, peace, joy. And so you have tried. You have stood in front of mirrors saying things you did not feel. You have written affirmations you did not believe. You have wondered, quietly, what is wrong with you that this most basic emotional task has remained so out of reach. Self-love is the wrong word Let me say something that may sound contrary to everything you've been told. The instruction to "love y